Noctis the skirt chaser
by qwerty91
Summary: Mega OOC madness. Noctis gets VERY drunk


**Ok then people, if you're crazy enough to actually be reading this then good luck!! I'd like to say that the idea for this story was mine but that would be a big fat lie! It was actually ****UchihaEna****'s, a very dear friend. *end of butt-kissing*. The idea was put up as a challenge in the FF13 forum (****Final Fantasy XIII, XIII Versus, and Agito XIII) – look it up! If you're not on there then get on there!**

**Without further ado/crap… here we go!**

"Hey ladies! How ya doin?" said Noctis as he slid onto a stool between two attractive ladies. One giggled whilst the other just looked completely pissed off. Noctis, not noticing this as he had already honed in on the giggling girl, continued in his attempts to "woo" her.

"So… ah. What's your name, beautiful?"

Before he got a reply the aforementioned pissed off girl butted in. "excuse me we're _trying_ to have a conversation here!"

With that she stood up, picked up their drinks and lead the other girl away to a nearby table. Noctis remained at the bar looking dejected and, to put it bluntly, like a miserable git.

"Dude, this place is awesome! So how many numbers you got?"

Vidal had just occupied the recently vacated seat to his right**. (BTW UchihaEna came up with this name and let me use it. He's the blonde guy with the shotgun in the trailers.)**

"none," grunted Noctis. Earlier ij the night they had started a competition to see who could get the most phone numbers. As you can see, at this point in time, Noctis was really sucking at the game.

"None!" laughed Vidal, "man, I've got 2 already and I've just spent the last half hour throwing up in the toilets!" Vidal was rather bad at holding his drink. "And I got the second one WHILST throwing up!"

He received a quizzical look at this.

"Hey, what can I say? I'm _that _good!" he chuckled.

"No it's not the fact that you can balance throwing up and asking a girl for her number, although that is pretty admirable. How the hell did you meet a _girl_ in a _toilet_?"

Vidal looked sheepish for a minute before breaking into a big grin. "well I couldn't really see the signs on the doors, so…"

Noctis shook his head disbelievingly, "so you used the ladies toilet? Man you're such an jerk!" Vidal was no longer listening, as he had just spotted more targets (although we'll refer to them as victims!)

Noctis remained seated at the bar listening into Vidal's conversation with the three girls. "Hey baby, can I get you a drink?"

_Bingo! _ thought Noctis, _offer to buy a drink!!_

With that thought he spun around in his seat, scanning the bar for possible targets/victims. He spied a blonde girl sat alone at the end of the bar.

"Hey baby, can I get you a drink?"

The blonde looked up in surprise, "erm… ok…"

_Hot, hot, hot! _Thought Noctis as he ordered two drinks from the barmaid.

Half an hour and several drinks later Noctis had discovered that the girl's name was Christie, she had just split up with her boyfriend who had cheated on her with seven other girls (apparently all at once according to her, but he wasn't sure if he believed that, as the girl was getting more and more out of it as the story progressed.) and that she was considering turning gay.

_Oh my god I've had enough of this, _he thought. _Just ask for her number! _"so, can I have your number?" he asked.

"Yeah, I mean I found her number on hish phone for chrish shakes!" she hiccupped.

Noctis gave it up as a lost cause and stood up. At that moment Vidal came staggering towards him again, pissed out of his face.

"Fuck me mate! I'm pissed!"

"Really?" asked Noctis sarcastically.

"Yeah!! Can't you tell you blind twat!" he suddenly burst into laughter making people turn and stare.

"shut up, you idiot," Noctis hissed in annoyance.

Noctis' reply was Vidal falling face first into a stool, still laughing like a maniac.

"Vodka straight please" he sighed to the barmaid. He drank it all and winced as it burnt his throat. He waved his hand to signal that he wanted another and downed it in one go straight after the first one.

He stood up drunkenly with no real idea where he was heading. Spotting a group of girls he stumbled over and slapped the nearest girl's arse. A split second later **He **(a long haired guy) turned around and punched Noctis straight in the face, causing him to drop to the ground like a sack of chocobo shit.

He was faintly aware of the guy cursing at him but really couldn't care as he dragged himself to his feet. Halfway up he fell forwards, accidentally head butting the guy in the nuts. It was now his turn to drop to the ground like a sack of chocobo shit.

Suddenly Noctis was grabbed by a gfirl and steered to the back of the bar.

"awright? You're a sexy bitch aren't ya?

"oh Noctis shut up you nob!" said Stella, "you're a right bloody state!"

Noctis paused for a moment but then concluded that he absolutely had to agree.

As Stella bent over to get her purse out of her bag Noctis grabbed her arse. He was promptly rewarded with a slap to the face. HARD.

"ow"

"You deserved that you idiot!" Stella cried as she blushed a bright red. As she got up to leave Noctis grabbed her arm. "wait! I need your number!

"What?" Her eyes narrowed. "Why?" she asked suspiciously.

"it's a game! With Vidal! I need numbers!"

"you need a bloody psychiatrist!" she sighed and was about to write down her number when she stopped. "but you've already got my number."#"yeah but it needs to look like I got it tonight!"

Stella eyed him up. He appeared to have come to his senses a little after The Slap. "oh alright then!" she sighed, scribbling down her number for him.

No sooner had Stella left than Vidal arrived. He also appeared to have sobered up a little – "I just saw a pigeon taking a dump" – but no by much!.

"that's great mate! How many numbers you got?"

"8!" he cried triumphantly.

"crap. I only got one!"

Vidal proceeded to break down into maniac laughter once again.

_If you can't beat them, join them_ thought Noctis as he joined in.

After about 10 minutes of crazy laughing a girl walked up to them. They both stopped laughing abruptly.

"Excuse me."

She was met with gormless stares.

"Erm… could I…?" she stuttered, pointing to the ladies bathroom door which they were both stood in front of. As they moved Noctis was having a silent argument in his head.

_Ask for her number!_

_No way! She's way too hot and I'm way too pissed!"_

_Don't be stupid just ask! Not with Vidal stood there!_

"Hey, can I have your number please?" called out Vidal as she was disappearing through the door. Noctis proceeded to repeatedly bang his head against the wall.

"Sure," she replied glancing at Noctis, really freaked out.

"What is it with you and girls?" Noctis asked as she disappeared.

"Alright listen. Follow me." Vidal replied leading him to a bunch of girls.

"Hey there, me and my friend were just wondering if you'd like a drink?"

As Vidal and a few of the girls went get the drinks Noctis was left with two pretty girls. There was an awkward silence while Noctis tried to think of a cool chat up line. "I like your jeans but they'd look better on my bedroom floor."

Not surprisingly he was met with looks of utter disgust. When Vidal returned with the drinks he sighed.

"you used The chat up line didn't you? What did I tell you about The chat up line? You never use The chat up line! It's like the red button of chat up lines!"

"sorry dude," muttered Noctis, looking at the floor.

"no worries – I just got another three numbers on the way to the bar. I think I win!"

"no chance! I'm not giving up without a fight."

To which Vidal punched Noctis in the face, taking the fight comment literally.

"I win!!!" screamed Vidal, jumping up and down. "in your face loser!"

Noctis didn't reply as he stumbled to his feet. Stella appeared out of nowhere again. "jesus Christ Noctis!" she fumbled in her bag and took out a potion. "  
H  
ere, take this! You look like shit!

"yeah well, you look like Stella!"

Stella just sighed and shook her head.

Noctis drank all of the potion (which was actually a Bachus Wine.)

(BTW this is something that causes the Berserker Rage status effect! Oh dear!)

When it was all gone Stella frowned. "it doesn't seem to have worked," she said to Vidal who was at this point trying to find out how many bottle caps he could fit up his nose.

As she took the bottle back from Noctis she froze in horror.

"Oh crap…" she began but never got to finish her sentence as Noctis had snatched the bnottle back and smashed it over her head. He proceeded to dash around the bar throwing drinks (and people) everywhere. Vidal, who thought this looked like great fun (more fun than forcing bottle caps up his nose anyway) began to join in, throwing tables, chairs and a stuffed chocobo head from behind the bar (which he then ran after and put it on his head.)

Ten wild minutes later the bar was a complete wreck full of groaning people, smashed glasses, upturned tables and feathers (thank to Vidal who was still galloping around the bar, pretending to be a chocobo.)

Noctis, who had come to his senses a little, stood up to find himself surrounded by angry people demanding that he pay for several ripped shirts, stained trousers and banged heads. (And in the case of one guy a beer bottle that had ended up where beer bottles should NOT end up!)

Later that night

"so how many did you get in the end?"

"12. You?"

"45. 30 of which are girls."

"What!!"

"Yeah, I've got to call them all later to arrange to pay for the damages."

Vidal just laughed.

"What? I still got more! I win!

"Alright then!"

Just then there was a knock at the door. Vidal went to answer it and came back a few seconds later – Stella in tow.

"NOCTIS!! I'LL KILL YOU!!"

**Oh dear I'm going straight to hell. Oh well… let me know what you think!**


End file.
